Posts Tagged ‘Psychiatry’

Friday Night Emergency Psych Admissions

September 19, 2011

Two patients:

One looks “crazy”

(unwashed young male, excessive scratching, fidgeting, creepy eyes, wiping snotty nose, picking ear, picking at skin, irritable*)

One doesn’t look “crazy”

(well dressed middle aged woman, well groomed, hygienic, no abnormal movements or speech, polite, cooperative)

Guess which one got a psych admission into the locked ward?

yup.

Because no matter what you look like

if you think  you’re a CIA agent with a GPS in your head

you’re in.

 

 

*otherwise known as the state one gets in when police have just seized amphetamine producing equipment from your apartment and you have a court hearing on Monday and would like a convenient psychiatric admission (for “like, seven days?”) to avoid dealing with those particular issues.  Oh, and you’re really high. And may have confused ‘Hospital’ with ‘Hotel’, “I really wouldn’t mind, like, a sandwich or something?”

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Cafe Psychiatry

September 18, 2011

To thank dutchboy for continuing to cohabit with me despite frequent melodramatic outbursts, I booked us into a coffee appreciation breakfast. Our friends Jas & Kris had been and enjoyed it so much that they blogged about it here and here.

We love Canvas and the breakfast was beautiful, Brendan from deluxe Boutique Coffee Roasters was lovely, knowledgable, and full of interesting facts, and overall it felt very indulgent. Stephanie Lawson has a gorgeous cafe, and knows how to make people feel welcome. Just what we needed to get ourselves ready for a summery sunday full of assignments and study.

My favourite part however, was not the coffee, the decadent pastries, or the beautiful cafe decor. It was a fellow guest, straight out of Faulty Towers, or Monty Python.

Before I begin, let me preface by stating that this was a premeditated event.

You had to book.

And pay money.

Get a ticket.

Emails were involved.

And it was called “Coffee Appreciation Breakfast”

So,when the middle aged woman with chemically enhanced blonde hair,  younger-than-age-attire, who was running 20 minutes late, declared to the table that she “doesn’t drink coffee” because she “hates it” and she wants a “hot chocolate on skim” it was all I could do not to laugh. She. Was. For. Real.

She then proceeded to interrupt while the brewing and pouring went on, whilst  he was trying to explain various aspects of the house blend, describing the regions in Indonesia that produce certain types of flavours and the differences between a dry press and a wet press, the best grind for an espresso vs a drip filter vs a stovetop, with such gems as:

“Aw, that stinks”

“Yuck”

“Ohhhh I hate coffee”

Nibbling on a tart “Oh, at least these are good!”

The impeccably poised, patient and well spoken Brendan never faltered and is clearly much more sophisticated than dutchboy and I, who were resisting the urge to alternatively guffaw into laughter and fling our respective pain chocolat and croissant at her.

My cafe psychiatric diagnosis is Histrionic PD

So, thank you crazy lady, for the funniest pythonesque encounter I’ve had in a long time.

 

Wisdom from the Psych Ward

September 9, 2011

Wisdom gleaned from current patients:

– God is a 40 something male with very clean fingernails. On my ward at the moment.  I can’t tell you much more as he doesn’t want anyone else to know…

– The Greeks are the oldest bloodline dating back to the beginning of mankind. Thus they are better than anyone. Much better than Germans. French people are okay though.

– If you find a strong woman don’t marry her. Strong women can’t be tied down and married.

– To counter depression you need to balance it out with exercise and diet. If you are really intelligent you need to counter it with lots more exercise and a better diet because being intelligent makes you even more off balance and depressed. Either that or you should walk barefoot. It keeps you balanced and in touch with the earth. Which brings me to the next pearl:

– Shoes should be banned in schools. Children growing up need to feel the earth between their toes. But then they should wear thongs in the classroom. Of course. (Which isn’t a bad thought really, until you read in the file that the particular patient has a history of attempting to abduct children from his old primary school…no doubt to liberate them of their shoes)

– Everything and everyone is corrupt. We could all be shot on the street. There are conspirers everywhere. Especially Beyonce. She’s the worst.

– The mastermind behind 9/11 is a 50 something homeless man with a predilection for amphetamines, cannabis and the occasional hit of street morphine.